Cry me a river

good thing I wear waterproof mascara

This has been a rough week for me. When I wrote my last blog I was feeling ok, getting a little nervous about leaving, but managing.

Since then I have found myself crying multiple times a day. It is frustrating. Any time someone asks me "so, when are you leaving" or "are you ready to leave" I just break down. I hate it! I cleaned out my desk at work today and it was like I was a freakin' water fountain. It was embarrassing.

I am ok with the move and I am excited about it and about the new opportunities it will bring us, but I think leaving my job is really getting to me. I love what I do. No one understand what I do and why I love it so much, but I do. Working with people is my passion and that is what I do. I help people and youth and that is what makes me motivated to make a difference. I want to find that same kind of work in Indiana, but the job market is not looking good. I don't want to settle on just any job. I want to be happy.

I am sad about leaving my family, but I know I will see them and we will keep in touch all the time just like we do now. I am sad about leaving my friends too. However, a lot of my friends hav moved away and moved on with their lives as well, so we've been keeping in touch through e-mail, cell phones and MySpace for quite a while now.

The only thing I keep telling myself that is somewhat making me feel better is that I moved from El Dorado to Pittsburg 6 years ago and I did alright! I made friends, I found a career and I was successful. If I did it when I was 20 and made it work, I can do it now that I am 26. Plus, I think about my parents. They moved Alicia and I from Moore, OK to El Dorado, KS when we were little, I was in the 4th grade. It was hard for them to leave everyone and come to an unknown place. But they made it work, even with two kids!

Jared seems to be doing much better than I am. That, or he is hiding it really well from me. I'm not sure. Anytime I try to talk to him about it he just says "well, you should have said something earlier, it is too late now". I know he doesn't mean it that way and he is probably just saying that because he doesn't know what else to say. I don't think he understands what thoughts are going through my mind right now. It's not that I don't wanna go, it's just going to be rough for me to say goodbye to everything and everyone. I just want him to tell me that everything will be ok. I just need to hear that right now from him; from everyone.

Sorry to be such a downer on such a nice Friday afternoon, but I thought if I got it off my chest, maybe it will stop the crying. Just maybe.