Thoughts in my head right now

WARNING: I'm in a strange mood today and more or less just rambling through this blog. So if things don't make sense to you, I am sorry. But it sure make sense to me right now.

Have you ever felt like you need to cry? Have a nice, long and hard cry; but you aren't sure why? Almost like your body just needs a release of emotion from all the stress, excitement, anxiety, fear and other emotions you may be feeling. I have felt like that alot lately, but the tears have yet to flow. I have a feeling when they do, it will be a glorious thing.

I am sooooooo sick of being poor and not being able to have nice things. It is really starting to get to me. I am 28 years old and I live in an apartment with my husband and a roommate... no kids. Yes, I am throwing a pity party for myself. But damn it... it really bothers me sometimes, especially when I see my friends and other people my age that "appear" to have the life I want... house, family, successful career, etc.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I have no idea where my life is headed. Are we happy here? Sometimes. Am I happy in my career? Uh, sometimes. Life is so damn unpredictable and sometimes I like that, but not right now. I want to KNOW what is next for me. What is my next challenge? What is my next big accomplishment, if any? I want to be ready.... no more of this unpredictable stuff. I feel like I have lost control of my destiny and it is a lonely sad feeling.

Have you ever questioned EVERY decision you have ever made and thought, what if? I play the "what if" game all the time, and I know it doesn't do any good. What if I got a different degree in college? What if I didn't move to Indiana? What if I was more athletic in school, would I be overweight today? What if I tried out for American Idol, haha? What if? What if? There are lots of things I think about... life, career, friends, family, loved ones. I know I have to live the life I have been given and that I can't change the past, but I do think about it. Don't get me wrong, my life is not horrible at all! I just think about this stuff cause that is the way I am. But I know I need to just need to focus on the future and making it the best it can be!

I'm sure these feelings will pass... I am a moody girl anyway, so ask me in 2 hours and I will probably be fine, haha. Just needed to put some things out there and make sure I am not the only one who feels extremely inadequate and strangely sad at times.